Notice of Revocation of Independence - a letter to all citizens of the USA

[Richard Roman]

In light of the fact that tomorrow is July 4th, I have been asked to post this on behalf of her majesty's Government

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Further points will be announced in due course

[CCF Beijing]

I would be willing to bet less than 10% of Americans(maybe less then 5%) can answer this simple question:

Who is the President of China?

Embarrassing!...to say the least ***

[CCF Beijing]

"....for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders...."

 

Sad to say....you are right about this too. Many Americans (especially those who never venture beyond her borders) harbor a "superiority complex". Only about 20% of U.S. citizens actually hold a U.S. passport....

[CCF Beijing]

#12.) Agree wholeheartedly, Richard!

ON GUNS: I lived in the deep South for 3 years (Alabama, Georgia). It seemed like EVERYONE had a gun (usually in the glove box of their car).

ON LAWYERS....well you know what ol' Willy S. said- "First, lets kill all the lawyers", Henry The Sixth, Part 2 Act 4, scene 2, 71–78

ON THERAPISTS: Joke: Naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office covered in tape and cellophane. The psychiatrist walks up to him and says "Clearly, I can see you're NUTS"

 

12. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

[Fernando]

Quite funny!

[Richard Roman]

Final Points

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

11. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2014) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $86/US gallon- get used to it).

12. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

[Richard Roman]

Points 6, 7 and 8

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2015. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

[CCF Beijing]

1 point for creativity

0 points for the lack of truth-based factual data

[John Rutledge]

Sir Richard, if you continue on the silly path, we're going to have to cut off all of your credit default swaps.

[Richard Roman]

Point 5

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

[CCF Beijing]

American-English- old time

English-English- olde tyme.

 

To write English-English:

 

Here's an example:

"The so-callede “Buxome Bandit“, a busty womane intent on scoring some extra cashe, strucke a gas statione in Australiae yesterday with her assets on fulle display."

 

 

 

1) add "e" at the end

2) (The "e" is silent)

3) Change "i" to "y"