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The American Test
Happy 4th of July everyone!
Its time to replace the test given to immigrants wanting to become naturalized Americans. The Statue of Liberty, Mississippi River and 100 senators are answers to questions that both native Americans and immigrants already know. The current test just scratches the surface of our great country. A more comprehensive test incorporating American slang and questions about the interior of the United States will require more then rote memorization. Luckily, we have just what you need. No need for minutemen, virtual barbed wire fences or Night Vision goggles. The U.S Border Patrol, rednecks or Texas law enforcement officials will be systematically hand out a No. 2 pencil with an eraser and one (1) paper copy of “The American Test”.
America is a land of immigrants and the land of endless opportunity (if we can stop Japan and Dubai buy 20% of all our banks, oil companies and investment firms and get Bill Gates, Mitt Romney and Warren Buffett to pitch in some of their greenbacks instead). It is important for the newcomer to assimilate to the ways and mores of their new home. Future green card holders can get to know the customs and traditions of their newly adopted homeland- from sea to shining sea. The written test is comprised of 25 questions,. You have 2 hours to complete the test. Good Luck!* 2012 is not only an Olympic year- the U.S. Presidential elections are in full swing. A special emphasis will be placed on the current crop of candidates, voting terminology and important issues affecting everyday Americans.
* A 90% score is passing. In the event that you do not pass, applicants are allowed to take the exam exactly three years from the date of the previously failed examination. A study guide is available your local Immigration and Naturalization Bureau. An annual re-test for the first ten years of citizenship is required to complete the naturalization process. (Its also a highly recommended learning tool for general learning in American High School classrooms coast-to-coast!)
Question #1: What are the “U.S. PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS”?
a. An election to be decided by 9 guys wearing parliamentary wigs of the Whig party.
b. An election held in November every four years in America
c. A two-year all expenses paid job interview with the American people by candidates
trying to convince the American people that they deserve a better job then their current
$150,000 a year job.
Question #2: What is “MOUNT RUSHMORE”?
a. A testament to freedom, democracy and four famous Presidents of the United States
b. Rush Limbaugh’s ugly mug and 3 other guys on the side of a mountain in Branson, Missouri
c. What kids in U.S. History and Geography classes believe to be 4 guys named
“John, Paul, George and Ringo”
Question #3: What is the “BIBLE BELT”?
a. Similar to a chastity belt, it is worn by good Christian girls to ward off naughty,horny boys.
b. Under the hood of Chevys, Fords and Chryslers next to the “fan belt”.
c. The U.S. Southern States and the religious right
Question #4: Who is “HILLARY CLINTON”?
a. Clinton, Oklahoma and Clinton, Iowa are named after this noted New York Senator orginally from Park Ridge,Illinois
b. Sister of famous Mt. Everest mountain climber Sir Edmund Hillary
c. The current Secretary of State.
Question #5: What is “WHITE CASTLE”?
a. The Kennedy Castle where the American Royalty couple Jack and Jackie lived in Camelot.
b. One of two chess pieces on the white side of the board also referred to as “rooks”.
c. Somewhere Kumar and half of America go when they have late night cravingsfor hamburgers known as “sliders”.
Question #6: Who is “BARACK OBAMA”?
a. Irishman Barack O’Bama is known for his Irish sense of humor, wit and keen oratory skills
b. An ardent University of Alabama fan putting the “Obama” in “Bama” and “Alabama”.
c. President Barack Obama
Question #7: Who is known as the “MAN IN BLACK”?
a. Clint Black, contemporary country singer
b. Your local funeral director
c. Johnny Cash, Country music legend
Question #8: Who is “JOHN MCCAIN”?
a. Brother of brother’s keeper McAbel
b. Often accompanied with a McWalker or McWheelchair
c. 73 years young candidate who reminded the 61 year old former candidate surname Clinton that she still has 3 more chances at 64, 68 and 72.
Question #9: What does the term “ROLL TIDE” mean?
a. From a famous ad for Tide Detergent to get the mud out of clothing.
b. Good time for surfing, “surf’s up” at the Okeefanoke swamp
c. A cheer for the University of Alabama Crimson Tide Football Team
Question #10: Who is “BEETLE BAILEY”?
a. Friend of John, Paul, George and Ringo. Member of 60’s English Rock band, the Beatles.
b. George Bailey’s lost brother in the Christmas Classic “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
c.A beloved cartoon strip with Zero, Sarge, Lieutenant Fuzz and General Halftrack.
Question #11: What is “YOU TUBE”?
a. Popular Irish rock and roll band from Dublin.
b. Plumber fixes this to stop leaky faucet next to the “u joint”.
c. A website of short videos spawning the term “citizen journalism”
Question #12: Who or what is “K-FED”?
a. Kiddie cops. The kindergarten or young adult division of the F.B.I.
b. A new, expensive Nike basketball shoe worn and designed by Lebron James.
c. Rapper worse then Vanilla Ice and ex-husband of former bald girl diva Britney Spears.
Question #13: Who or what are the “Chicago Cubs”?
a.1908 World Series champions
b. Play in "Wrigley Field"- the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail party
c. The Chicago Cubs get custody of all American kids at a divorce court...because they never beat anyone
Question #14: Who is “WARREN BUFFETT”?
a. Calypso singer of “Margaritaville” and “Cheeseburger in Paradise”.
b. Starred with Warren Beatty in the big screen version of Dick Tracy
c. Formerly the richest man in the world ahead behind Mexico’s Carlos Slim., #1 smartest investor in the world and philanthropist who laughs all the way to the bank.
Question #15: Who or what is “50 CENT”?
a. A new gold-plated coin issued by the Department of Treasury earlier this year with presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s finely chiseled profile affixed to it.
b. A street beggar’s inflation-adjusted question instead of “Brother, can you spare dime?
c. A multi-platinum rap artist named Curtis who really did “Get Rich or Die Tryin’”.
Question #16: What is a “RED STATE”?
a. A state with new immigrants from the former Soviet Republic and Vietnam
b. The land left over after Moses parted the Red Sea
c.A state that has most of its citizens vote very conservatively
Question #17: Who is “OCTOMOM”?
a. Starred along Sean Connery and Pussy Galore in “Octopussy”.
b. Porn Star
c. Has more kids then Mother Hubbard has in her shoe
Question #18: Why is Chicago called “THE WINDY CITY”?
a. Strong gusts of wind off Lake Michigan in the winter months makes for tough winters and tough citizens.
b. Al Gore has future plans for Chicago’s strong winds involving wind turbines, hybrids and solar power
c. The politicians from this toddlin' town are full of hot air that is often hard to contain.
Question #19: Who or what are “LINDSAY LOHAN”, "PARIS HILTON" and “KIM KARDASHIAN”?
a. Three really, really rich b-tches. One gave Kanye West a 3/4 million dollar car
b. During 23 day stay in lock-up, one requested pink, plush jail cell with Christian Dior bed sheets and nightly visits from doggie-pal Tinkerbell
c. Prone to “nip-slips” , car crashes and multiple “wardrobe malfunctions”.One is the star of clothes-optional international video and internet smash "One Night in Paris".
Question #20: What does "ROCK, CHALK, JAYHAWK" mean?
a. Three current World Wrestling Federation superstars currently on the pro wrestling circuit.
b. A Japanese version of the children's game "Rock, Paper, Scissors".
c. College chant and cheer of NCAA Basketball Champion premier program the University of Kansas.
Question #21: Who or what is "AMERICAN IDOL"?
a. American version of sneering, bad-ass 80's British pop king Billy IDOL
b. An all-American couch potato male complete with a six-pack, potato chips and a remote.
c. Beloved TV show showcasing a broad range of singers from bad karaoke to future national recording artists by way of a good-cop, bad-cop selection process
Question #22: Which quote from a recent American President is a “BUSHISM”? (famous quote from former President George W. Bush)
a. “I’m not a crook!”
b. “Our long national nightmare is over”
c.“’I’m the decider!”
Question #23: What is “NASCAR”
a.An energy efficent compact hybrid electric car due out in 2014 that can also run on ethanol
and wind power
b. Short for “NASCARD”- a debit card for absorbing the cost of high priced sporting events
including $6 hot dogs, $5 beers, $25 parking spots and $100 box seats.
c….A sport for the hard-hat, lunch-bucket, Southern and “Joe-Six-pack” crowd with three simplesteps: 1) put your foot on the gas, 2) accelerate to 200 MPH and 3) turn left
Question #24: “What is a “birther”?
a.Octomom is a birther. She gave birth to like 20 kids.
b. The six-month mark of a birthday- “You are 26 1/2? Happy Birther Day!”
c. People who think Obama was born on Mars.
Question #25: “Where is New Mexico?
a.Near Baja, California and Tijuana. High quality tequila and Cuban cigars are easy to get there.
b. After the Louisiana Purchase, Herbert Hoover made the New Mexico purchase
c. Above old Mexico in the American Southwest.
Answers: Congrats! You are an American!Just like David Letterman’s college Grade Point Average- all answers are “C”. You passed! Now you are ready to go on Jeff Foxworthy’s “Are You Smarter Then a 5th Grader?" and can field Jay Leno’s “Jaywalking” questions with relative ease. Noted scholar and academic expert David Hasselhoff and Ronald McDonald will deliver the keynote speech at your graduation ceremony!
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