Notice of Revocation of Independence - a letter to all citizens of the USA

[Richard Roman]

In light of the fact that tomorrow is July 4th, I have been asked to post this on behalf of her majesty's Government

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Further points will be announced in due course

[Jack Field]

I concur with all that has been stated by the Right Honourable, Sir Richard Roman, Changchun ambassador to the glorious British Isles, gaurdian of the true English language, and consumate protector of all linguistically oppressed rebels of the New World. Take heed, I say, take heed of what Sir Richard would say. The consequences of your refusal to accept the true doctrine will be met with a full reprisal meted out by Her Majesty's loyal and impregnable British and Australian Armed Forces. At least we can afford ours. God save the Queen.

[Richard Roman]

Point 4

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or The Office will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

[John Rutledge]

Not again!  Gee whiz, don't you guys ever give up? What do you want this time? Worried about the Pound Sterling? Hey, how about a few billion in credit default swaps with the Bank of England?  Will that make you happy?

[CCF Beijing]

THE FOOTBALL REIGN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY ON THE PLANE.

Obama is a good friend of mine. I will have to ask the Obamanator if you can make your proposal/pitch the the United States Congress.

But first.... you will have to sing Lee Greenwood's "Proud to Be an American" to the whole legislative and judicial branches.

[Richard Roman]

Third Point

You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

[CCF Beijing]

I believe this could all be solved in a boxing match. Perhaps Sir Lennox Lewis (England) vs. Sugar Ray Leonard (U.S.)

[Richard Roman]

Continuation of the first point:

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

[Matt Keuler]

We don't "u" in many words to save on ink.  We know you Brits are wasteful.  And aluminum has two spellings.