The Top 10 of Horrible Deaths

[Dutch Martin]

 

Dutch Martin proudly presents:

The Top 10 of Horrible Deaths

Couple of days ago, in Grandpas our team of foreign experts (read: experts at being foreign in more ways than one), under the supervision of yours truly, breathed life into the article below pleasantly named: The Top 10 of Horrible Deaths.
Lists like these are plentiful on the interwebs but I think we, as a community, should at least try to be creative and come up with something of our own. I mean no harm with this list, and it only serves as morbid humor. If you feel offended by any of it, please let me know.

#10 Death by steam roller
Some deaths are honorable. This, unfortunately, is not one of them. There is something about a driverless steam roller that breeds fear. Especially when you're the one caught underneath. It's slow descent down the road and onto your body makes you question the decisions that you made,- up until this moment. You tried your best to stop this chunk of metal doing any more damage by electing yourself to be the hero. Once inside the cabin (read 'cockpit unlike any vehicle you encountered before'), you promptly figured out that you had no clue on how to stop this behemoth. Consequently you decided to step in front of it warning others of its presence. Slow as it might have seemed at first, it picked up speed going down-hill and, only after you turned around to assess its trajectory, you stumbled backwards suddenly aware that you miscalculated its precise location. Now it is climbing up on you and you hear the crushing of bones even before you actually feel the pain. You are dead-centre and escape is impossible. Your last thoughts are of that American TV show CSI and how family members can identify their loved ones by pulling back a death-sheet, and how you won't have that luxury...

#09 Death by Brazen Bull
It is 200 BC and you are brazen. So brazen in fact, the local authorities decided it best to let you have a taste of your own medicine. A guy called Phalaris ordered the fabrication of a hollow metal bull; Unfortunates would be locked-up inside and then burned alive by lighting a fire underneath. After you finished building the contraption, you admired it from the outside before locking yourself up into the Brazen Bull for testing purposes. Once inside you comically shout out for help. The crowd that gathered around are astonished as how much your yells sound like actual bull mooing. The louder you shout, the more astonished the crowds responds. You try several other tactics like throwing out a few high pitched yells and banging on the interior all the while making sure it is escape proof. Again, the crowd responds with sounds of awe. Finally you've had enough fun and order the guards to evacuate you. They, unfortunately for you, have received instructions of another kind and to let you stay locked up inside the metal beast.

After several introspective assessments, you come to the conclusion you will be the first and only test subject. You sit down knowing your family will be taking cared for and eagerly await what is to come. Then the side entrance opens and Phalaris guides you out. 'Phew', you think whilst wishing Phalaris was locked up inside the Bull instead of you. On top of a hill he promises you a reward for your work, but instead you are thrown down to your death. Your final wish does come true when, not long after, Phalaris himself is locked up inside your invention and burned alive.

#08 impalement
Depending on the length of the stick and how long you can keep your sphincter clenched, this is one hell of a way to go. No matter what wrong you did to get in this position, you wouldn't wish this to your worst enemy. Well, maybe to the guy who is currently doing this to you. I will leave you with the thought of a long wooden pointy stick slowly crawling up your entrails while, as someone in the group pointed out, you can turn your head and see the stick exit your body through your shoulder blade. Hold that thought, mmmhh, I could go for some niu-rou char (meat on stick).

#07 the rack (or Breaking wheel)
Yes, you are a bad person for stabbing that man with a filet knife and yes, you are guilty of numerous other crimes accredited to your name but hold on a minute. What is going on!? The Geneva convention says nothing about this! And you know why?  Because this is the 12th century and nobody gives a crap about human rights. Our host is not a sadistic man, persée. In fact he is loved by most of his family. His boss likes him too as he is never late and gets the job done. The job at hand here is stretching your malnourished body and breaking your joints with a wooden hammer, all the while you are stretched even further. If basketball was invented in the dark ages, you might want to consider a career in sports. After all, you are now tall enough. Finally your spine gives out and you empty what is left of the contents of your bladder. If, after two days of stretching you have not yet perished, a final blow finally takes you out of your misery. By then I'd say you'd welcome death with long open arms.

#06 terminal velocity
Terminal velocity actually has nothing to do with speeds that are deadly. It just states the maximum speed an object can achieve in freefall. So the myth that you would die before hitting the ground is exactly just that, a myth.

And that is precisely why this so terrifying; there is no way you can be saved in a uncontrolled accidental freefall. There is no way another parachutist can catch up with you and help you slow down your descent. There are stories of divers that work in tandem (one jumps out with no chute) and they are able to latch on to one another before opening the canapé but those are stunts.

If, by some misfortune, your chute and your spare fail to open, it is already too late. 22.000 feet allows you to back-track your steps for about 2 minutes where you might come to the conclusion that it was your best friend, who always showed an unhealthy interest in your girlfriends' wellbeing, and who so willingly helped you put on your harness, actually was the one who tampered with it. Oh well...

Secretly you wish for Superman, Iron man or, hell you'd even take Super Duck to help you land safely, but then you come to the realization that, indeed this is real life and there will be no 'retry' button for you to click afterwards (or maybe there will be, who knows!)

#05 Dying while anticipating certain death or torture
There are recorded accounts of men biting off their own tongue and choking on it while in anticipation of certain death. Accounts of people having their hair turned white overnight while listening to- (and consequently witnessing the ceasing of-) death cries of their cellmates, knowing they would be next.

Imagine you are in a situation where biting off your own tongue seems like a good idea, or you try to put a rope together with strings using broken fingers, all in the hope that you would be able to hang yourself. Whatever you can come up with in your cell must be better than what is waiting for you in the other room. The screams and pleads of the tortured seem to grow louder and you are unable to drive them out, no matter how deep you delve your fingers in your ears. But suddenly there is another sound drowning out all other noises. You become aware of how loud and passionate your heart is pumping blood through your system. This beautiful system that you want to keep running, no matter what. The same system that will be tested to the maximum in the near future. This thought sends a final adrenaline rush down through your system and you can feel your heart palpitating. A final gasp is all you can muster as your heart gives out to the high pressure. Death at last!

#04 Honey hill
This is one for the books. In parts of Africa, tribesmen still practice this ancient form of torture. Honey has been around for millions of years and early man quickly realized its potential for means of torture.

Tribe warriors attacked and conquered other settlements taking the women for their own and killing the men in the process. In order to show their might and ruthlessness they would bury the men vertically with their head sticking out of the sand. Honey would then be poured over the heads which attracts a multitude of insects, fire ants making up most of them. Persians are actually even more sadistic in their approach. They feed the victim milk and honey to the point of anal lactosis (yes, it is a word I just made up, but the practice was real..). Legs spread and covered with honey, insects arrive for dinner while laying eggs inside the intestines. Bon Appétit!

#03 Acid bath
You wake up to the smell and sound of sizzling bacon, but it has been ages since your 'better half' cooked for you. Has she turned over a new leaf? Can you two finally work things out? Alas! All in vain. There is no bacon and the only thing sizzling is the sound of your skin being eaten alive with the help of a chemical solution.
The smell makes you hungry but soon there is not much stomach left for any food to reside. I'm Melting! I'm Melting!

#02 buried alive
Ah, so many ways to get buried alive! An avalanche, a snow castle collapsing onto itself, a freshly dug tunnel at the beach or too much mob money owed. The list is endless. But what, by some universal misfortune, you are pronounced dead and suddenly wake up in a coffin to the sound of sand being dropped on top of you?

You panic, of course but then you remember there might be a way to save yourself! The 'dead ringer' which is a wire inside the coffin attached to a bell above ground. In the olden days many people were afraid to be buried alive so they procured a coffin with this safety feature built in it. Unfortunately modern times require autopsies or embalming and you start to wonder how you ended up in this predicament. Ah, yes... 'For religious reasons no embalming', which you selected when you included the Google downloaded doc as part of your last will and testimony. You start yelling but the soft inlayed cloth acts as a muffler and you doubt anyone can hear you. You start banging loudly on the inside of the lid before realizing you are actually banging to the beat of the sand being shoveled on top of you. You browse through your pockets and find a phone. Hallelujah! Thank Heavens for small miracles! But, alas, no signal... When your overworked brain is almost completely depleted of oxygen, the coffin is suddenly opened and you can continue living your life as a vegetable.

#01 Last bloodline on deathbed
People would argue this is not as terrible as the previous mentioned ones, but I digress and here is why;

You lived a full life. Had your ups and had your downs. Your single-child - high school sweetheart, whom you picked for the sole reason that she also disliked kids was the perfect match for you. You were counting on your brothers to continue the bloodline, which they consequently didn't.

The entire generation of bloodlines will cease to exist with your passing and you suddenly become aware of how lonely you actually are. You didn't lead a selfless life but, come to think of it, family was important in your younger years. Now, as an old man on your deathbed, flashes of memory pass by where you remember your grandfather taking you upon his knee and telling stories of bygone days and how your family survived famine, draught, war and disaster. Through your later years you would honor the memory of 'Gramps' by writing your family name first, and your given name last in your correspondences.
'Famine, draught, war and disaster'... All that what was fought for by generations before you will come to the full sum of naught. A final tear rolls down your cheek as the last breath of air escapes your lips. 'All in vain...' can be heard by no-one.

Thanks for reading!

Yours,

Dutch Martin

[CCF Beijing]

Terminal Velocity #6- I think today - im modern day translation - might be called "bungee jumping without a cord"....

[CCF Beijing]

After reading #4 Honey Hill...I think of the lyrics of Steely Dan's classic "Do It Again" and "....in the land of milk and honey..." and now I have to rethink those lyrics...

[CCF Beijing]

During that funny, funny, funny movie "Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery"...I was really really happy when Austin Powers escaped the terrible, terrible death of #10....."death by steamroller"!

[CCF Beijing]

The #13 point scorer in the NBA of all time is Alex English.  If "Crazy" were to marry him...her new married name would be (of course)..."CRAZY ENGLISH"

[CCF Beijing]

#7 can be performed with "Open Arms" by Journey ", "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed or "Basketball Jones" by Cheech and Chong in the background...

[Chris Knight]

BigAmish Martin? I thought you were Dutch?

[Dutch Martin]

If we'd get married, you'd be calling me Bigamist Martin, I'd guess...

[Chris Knight]

So ... if they get married, do we then refer to her as "Mrs. Crazy Dutch Martin"?

[CCF Beijing]

My friend has a student who chose her own English name. The name she chose is "Crazy". I can arrange a meeting if you so desire....

[Chris Knight]

So THAT'S why you came to China!! We were wondering.